


The Raw Christopher Text

by x_carnivale_x (commodorecliche)



Category: Star Trek RPF
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, Panic, Romance, Smoking, Suicidal Thoughts, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-24
Updated: 2014-10-24
Packaged: 2018-02-22 10:54:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2505266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/commodorecliche/pseuds/x_carnivale_x
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You're my world - please, don't stop now.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Raw Christopher Text

  
_Little solace comes to those who grieve, when thoughts keep drifting, as walls keep shifting, as this great blue world of ours seems a house of leaves._

::

Chris knows he probably shouldn't have called Zach. Actually, he's pretty sure it was really a terrible idea to call the older man. But he's already bitten his fingernails down to the quick, and honestly, if he didn't do _something_ , he was going to gnaw them raw. So he caved and called Zach. He didn't have a good reason to tell Zach on the phone, didn't have a reason for why he was calling, why he sounded so distressed, or why he needed Zach to come over, but Chris supposes that at the time he didn't really care. Now that he thinks on it though, he knows he probably should've said something other than:

"Jesus, okay, I don't fucking know, Zach. Please, I just need you here man." 

Chris knows it was a really stupid thing to say - plus, Zach hates swearing. Well he doesn't really hate it, he just doesn't do it well, and so he just kind of... selectively doesn't swear. Chris honestly doesn't swear that much either, but when he does, he does it well - it's usually a sign of humor... or it's a sign that something serious is going on. So he swore on the phone and Zach is on his way to Chris's house. He rubs his face and tells himself not to bite his nails - it's a really gross habit, and honestly his flesh is starting to get red and torn up from his teeth, but he guesses he doesn't really care because he keeps biting at them and if Zach doesn't get there soon, he might not have a thumb left. 

He paces around his kitchen, and he's kind of glad that he normally doesn't keep liquor in his house. He doesn't drink that often, so all he keeps in the cabinets are a couple different red wines. Right now that's what's stopping him from drinking himself stupid. Because honestly, red wine is for romantic dinners - with candles and fettuccine and all that stuff - not for binge drinking until one is fucked out of their dome. So he doesn't drink, thank god. He only got drunk off of wine _once_ , and Christ, he'll never do it again. That shit fucked him over more than Tequila ever did - it had taken him so much to get drunk that he vomited for almost an hour the next morning, and what was worse, the contents of his stomach were reddish in color and he thought he was dying. 

Speaking of reddish in color, he tells himself to stop biting his nails; Zach is going to have a _fit_ when he sees the state of Chris's fingers. And yet somehow, the threat of Zachary flipping his shit over the fact that Chris's nails are almost bloody doesn't phase him, and he bites deeper almost out of spite. He sighs and leaves the kitchen, moving towards his living room to sit on the sofa. He slides down to the cushions gently, tucking his legs in towards his body, and he rests his chin on them. He didn't know he could bend this well. He about jumps out of his skin when his pocket vibrates. It's Zach, only in text-message form.

[ _"I'm almost there. Is the key just under the plant?"_ ] 

Chris licks his lips. 

~~[ _"As it always is."_ ]~~ Chris almost sends back, but he can feel the sarcasm and bitterness dripping off the words and he just... can't be that mean to Zach - this isn't Zach's fault. He deletes the message and types a new one. 

[ _"Yeah, it's there. Thanks, man..."_ ] 

He sends it quickly and puts the phone on the coffee table, waiting in the silence of his home for Zach. Sometimes he wishes he had animals, just to have some fucking noise around the house. He glances towards the doors that lead to the patio, staring out the glass, and he notes how he can barely see outside anymore because it's getting dark. He stretches to the other side of the sofa and flicks the lamp on that's sitting beside the couch - he's not just going to sit in the dark alone and mope, even he won't stoop that low. So he waits for Zach bathed in the warm light of his living room lamp and he bites his fingers - bites the flesh now - even though he tells himself to stop. He wishes he had a different bad habit - smoking, alcoholism, chronic drug use, sex addiction - just not nail-biting. Honestly, his fingers look terrible and he _knows_ that people notice. Or at least... Zach notices. He groans loudly and twists his body around on the couch into a position he didn't even know existed - he really didn't know he was this bendy - resting on his back on the arm of the sofa, his torso dangling slightly and his legs twisted over the back of the couch. He wonders how this position is actually allowed by the laws of physics and the universe, but he stretches into it more and hangs there listlessly. From this position, he can see the patio doors again, except that he's upside-down this time and it kind of confuses him. It's dark outside and it might even rain and he wonders where Zach is - hopes he's alright. 

Then like clockwork, he hears the tumblers of his locks turning, and he's thankful for the noise ringing across his house. He hears Zach call for him as he's closing the door, and Chris wonders if Zach put the key back under the plant or if he brought it inside. He can hear Zach taking off his shoes and he shakes his head and doesn't move, yelling back at Zach to tell him where he is. 

"Living room!" 

He can hear Zach's feet padding down the hallway and into the room. He can't see him, but Chris knows there's a confused look on his face when he sees the way Chris is lying on the couch. 

"What are you doing?" 

And the blood rushes to Chris's head. 

He strains his torso and lifts his upper body, looking over at Zach. 

"Having a moment of panic and distress. You?" 

He drops back down to hang upside down again - he loses sight of Zach when he does. 

"Don't panic? Holy shit what happened to your fingers?" 

Chris would roll his eyes if they weren't already half-rolled into his skull from the way he was reclining. 

"My teeth found a mind of their own." 

"They're fucking raw, dude."

Oho, Zach swore. This is serious business.

"I can't keep them pristine all the time, Zachary." He says with irritation and he knows he shouldn't act cruel. He knows Zach isn't freaking out because his fingers lack a manicure - he's freaking out because the flesh around his nails is close to bleeding. He also knows this isn't Zach's fault and he really shouldn't be this mean to him - Zach just wants help. 

"You hurt yourself." Zach mutters quietly with concern. 

"I didn't mean to snap at you, I'm sorry." 

"Don't be. And don't panic. What's going on? Also, can you sit up? This is kind of like I'm only talking to the lower half of you." 

Chris begrudgingly sits up. His face is kind of flushed as the blood rushes back to the rest of his body. He curls against the arm of the couch again and stares over at Zach. Zach is still standing and Chris sees him run a hand through his hair out of concern. Chris knows Zach knows something is up. He knows Zach knows he knows too. You know? If Chris weren't feeling so bad, he'd laugh at himself right now. Zach gives him that look, that look of _"Listen, you called me here because something was wrong. I know you don't want to admit it, but you need me here. What's up?"_

That look says a lot to Chris. 

"What's going on, man?" Is all Zach says. 

Chris just looks away from him and shakes his head. 

"Don't wanna talk in here. Can we go outside?" 

"Outside? Yeah, sure." 

Zach walks over and offers Chris his hand. Chris takes it slowly, allowing himself to be pulled off the couch. There's another look on Zach's face and Chris knows exactly what it says. It says _"My god, you haven't slept, why are you doing this? Tell me you're okay."_ But Zach doesn't say anything; he just looks away from Chris and lets go of his hand and heads towards the patio doors, Chris following closely. 

Chris flips on the patio light and they walk towards the chairs resting there. Chris doesn't like that it's humid outside - that's a pretty rare occurrence for Los Angeles, and it's honestly a little disconcerting and uncomfortable. It might rain soon, so the air is disgustingly thick and wet. He worries about mosquitoes, and then he worries about West Nile even though that whole craze has passed, and he asks Zach to borrow his lighter so he can light one of the anti-bug candle thingies. He lights it and sets it on the table sitting by the chairs and he sinks into one silently, handing Zach his lighter back in the process. He hears Zach fumbling in his pockets. 

"I'm gunna have a smoke, that okay?" 

"Yeah, it's fine." 

Zach slides into the chair next to him and puts a cigarette between his lips and lights it, taking a long, determined drag. It says a lot to Chris. It says: _"I'm worried about you."_ Zach honestly isn't much of a smoker - he smokes when he needs to wind down, he smokes when he's concerned, and he smokes when someone dies. Chris starts to feel stressed and he wrings his fingers together before bringing one hand up to his mouth. Zach catches him quickly. 

"Don't bite." 

Chris glances off in irritation - a nervous, agitated sigh on his lips. But Chris knows Zach just means _"Please don't hurt yourself anymore..."_ Chris knows he shouldn't be mean, but he can't help but be irritated and edgy and snarky and he leans over and snatches the cigarette from between Zach's fingers while muttering bitterly. 

"Fuckin' gimme that." 

He brings the cigarette to his mouth and takes a deep inhale, and he can hear Zach talking quietly. 

"You don't smoke..." 

Chris coughs loudly as he feels the smoke and tar fill his lungs. But he chokes out a really bitchy-sounding response anyway. 

"Well I fucking do now." 

He hears Zach huff. 

"Oh? Then stop coughing. Go ahead." 

Chris can't stop coughing and he closes his eyes. He really hates the taste of the cigarette. He hates the way it burns and he wonders how people actually _relax_ by smoking. He doesn't respond to Zach's comment, trying to quell the desperate little choked coughs that sputter past his teeth... He can still taste the disgusting flavor on his tongue. Zach just sighs and Chris can feel the older man's fingers brushing against his raw ones. He cracks his eyelids and watches Zach slip the cigarette out from between his fingers. 

"Don't try to be something you're not, babe." 

He really means _"Chris... don't stoop that low."_

Chris hangs his head and coughs again. He doesn't look at Zach - instead he smacks aimlessly at a bug on his arm and for a moment he's annoyed that the candle isn't working. 

"Tastes like ash." He mumbles while smacking at his arm again. 

"It is ash, Chris." 

He can hear Zach's lips part from around the cigarette and he knows the older man has taken another puff. He looks up and sees Zach holding the stick between his thumb and index finger, just staring at it. He drops it to the ground and crushes it with his toe - Chris muses idly that it wasn't even half-finished. Zach looks up at Chris for a long, overdue moment, and he furrows his brow.

"Please smile." Is all he says. Chris glances away, pretending he can see something across the yard even though he knows he can't. 

"Don't wanna." 

"You have a pretty smile..." Zach whispers. Chris just leans his head back against the chair and stares upwards towards the night sky where he can't see any stars at all. There's no such thing as deep space from a back yard in Los Angeles. He blinks and his eyelids feel heavy with tears, and he tries to bat them away but it doesn't work. All he manages to do is to force one down his cheek. He sighs shakily as he speaks. 

"I don't want a pretty smile." 

"Well you're stuck with one... You'll always have a pretty smile." Zach says sadly. Chris knows he means _"That part of you can't change - please tell me what's wrong."_ But Chris doesn't say anything at all. He waits for Zach and he turns his head away, trying not to cry. 

"What's wrong, Chris?" Zach mumbles softly, leaning over towards Chris, placing his hand on his arm. Chris shakes his head and Zach stops touching him. 

"Don't even know, dude. I mean. I know but I don't. It's heavy shit dude, I don't know how to like... say it." 

"Well just... just say it and we'll see what happens." 

Chris sighs. 

"You know that cottage my parents have? On the outskirts of the city?" 

"Yeah, you showed me it once. It's nice, what about it?" There's raw curiosity lining Zach's voice and Chris honestly wonders if he should continue or just stop right there, leaving the conversation at 'the cottage is pretty'. He lifts his head and looks at Zach. There's a serious look on the older man's features and Chris feels really bad for bringing him here, demanding this of him, and he doesn't know if he can bring himself to say the rest, because he knows Zach might just twist himself up with freak-out and concern. Chris bites the bullet - actually, it's his tongue, but he wants to keep the metaphor - and speaks anyway.

"I was thinking about it yesterday. How I should go and stay there for a little while on my own - get away from all the L.A. insanity, ya know?" 

Zach lets out a little chuckle, muttering a quiet "Yeah, I feel ya.", but Chris knows it's fake - he's just trying to get Chris to talk a little more. Because this isn't about the cottage and Zach knows it. So Chris keeps talking. 

"And I don't know what it was... but I was thinking about that cottage and I thought... I thought. Hey, my dad keeps a gun there. I could just go shoot myself and get away from all this." 

Chris pauses and he sounds breathless. He can't look at Zach as he continues, his voice strained and he's close to crying again. 

"I... I really thought that. And it kind of... it kind of scared me, Zach." 

He can hear Zach gulp thickly. 

"Did you want to?" And Chris can tell the words are forced. What Zach really wants to say is _"Please tell me you didn't want to, Chris."_ But Chris can't bring himself to lie to Zach - not with that pained look on the older man's face and not in the way that Chris can see Zach's fingers trembling. He glances at his own fingers and starts to raise his hand. He hears Zach say "Don't bite." quickly. He drops his hand to his lap and doesn't look at Zach. 

"For five minutes, I wanted to." He breathes. "Five minutes I wanted to drive out there and shoot myself and leave myself for someone to find. And after six minutes I was scared shitless." 

He can hear Zach's chair push shortly and loudly over the patio ground as Zach stands, and Zach is suddenly kneeling in front of him, his hands on Chris's knees. He stares up at Chris and Chris can't seem to look at him. 

"Chris..." He mumbles, rubbing at Chris's knee, but Chris doesn't acknowledge him. He just sniffles and tries to hide the fact that his eyes are glassing over a bit. "Chris." Zach says again softly, and Chris feels Zach cup his face lightly, turning his head so he's forced to look down at him. "Why didn't you call me?" 

"I called you now."

"I meant then..." 

"And... and say what? _"Hey, Zach, yeah no, I'm having a moment. I'm kind of debating suicide, ttyl my bff Zach?"_ ?" Chris says with desperation. Zach pauses, staring at Chris with a stare to knock someone out. 

"Yes. Yes, you should have. I would have been over in two seconds flat... I mean what... what if you'd done it?" 

"I didn't, though, and I didn't want to by minute six... I just. I don't know what came over me." 

"Seriously Chris... what if it hadn't passed? What if you'd done something? Do you have any idea what... how I... I don't know what I'd do with myself if you..." Chris hangs his head again, despite the fact that Zach is still cupping his jaw. He feels bad for calling Zach here - he feels even worse for telling him about this shit. He tries to ignore the way he's pretty sure he's almost made Zach cry. Zach has glassy eyes, but they're not normally that glassy, and they usually get a little red around the edges when he's about to cry. Chris pretends they aren't getting red right then and he stares at his fingers. He lifts his hand a little towards his mouth and Zach grabs it firmly. 

"Don't bite." He mutters shakily, and Chris knows he's trying to say _"Please stop hurting yourself..."_ Chris just closes his eyes and tries not to cry. He feels Zach shift a little and press upwards, and the next thing he knows he's got Zach's lips against his. It's soft and quick and his lips are kind of dry so when Zach pulls away, their lips stick a little. And it's not the best kiss Chris has ever had, but it does make him feel a little better. He hears Zach swallow a little and the older man pushes himself up to stand fully, muttering quietly. 

"Let's go inside, okay?" 

He grabs Chris's hand and the younger man doesn't bother to argue as he's led inside. He kind of expects Zach to take him to the bedroom, and not in that way... but Zach doesn't. Instead they sit on the couch, and Chris kind of wants to do that bendy thing again - just to stretch his back and make the blood rush to his brain. Maybe he'll forget some of this ever happened at all. He doesn't though, he just leans on the arm of the couch and watches as Zach does the same on the opposite end.

He sees Zach close his eyes and he drags his fingers lightly along his brow. Chris knows he does that when he's worried. Chris also knows he's probably trying to say a lot of different things... And each of those things Zach wants to say will probably all have a bunch of different meanings... But Chris is pretty sure that they may all, in actuality, dwindle down to one thing Zach wants to say to him. Or maybe it's just what Chris wants Zach to say. 

"What brought this on? Talk to me, why... why..." And for once in an eternity, Zach's words fail him, they fall short, because Chris knows he's trying to just simply say _"I'm so fucking scared, Chris. Don't do anything please..."_

"I don't even know... that's why it freaked me out. I've never thought about suicide in my entire life... and yet for five fucking minutes, it all just seemed so _easy_ and then I got freaked out and realized what I was thinking. Then I called you." 

"You should've called me sooner."

"I almost didn't call at all." Chris say honestly and he watches as Zach hangs his head a little, breathing deeply, and he keeps talking. "I don't know what brought it on, Zach. Maybe it was just... just the craziness of everything... I don't know. But it scared me." 

"That's about how I'm feeling right now." 

Chris looks up at Zach and sees him drag his fingers along his brow in thought and concern. Again, he only does that when he's worried. Chris turns his head and eyes the arm of the couch he's been lying on - pushes off it slowly and scoots towards Zach, shifting towards the center cushion. He leans against Zach's side, his legs still pulled up and tucked underneath him, and Zach instinctively lifts his arm to grip around Chris's shoulders. Chris lets out a small breath and leans his head on Zach's shoulder. They're sitting under the lamp and for some reason, Chris doesn't like the light. He lifts up his head and looks at it, before stretching over Zach lazily to flip it off. The room floods with darkness and he relaxes back into Zach's side. 

They don't say anything at all. They just breathe quietly in the darkness. It's not pitch black - the moon is out, and the patio lights are still on, and they illuminate the room just so. But it's dark enough. Chris wonders if his resolve has broken - he'd told himself he wasn't just going to sit in the dark and mope. But... he's not really moping, and it's not all that dark, and at least he's not alone. He rests his head on Zach's shoulder and breathes a heavy breath - Zach squeezes his shoulder a little more tightly. He pulls his legs a little closer and he won't bother to deny the way he nuzzles into Zach's embrace, his eyes slipping closed. Zach just lets him scoot closer and puts his head over Chris's, his cheek brushing into Chris's hair. He lets his grip on Chris lighten a little, but he drags his fingers mindlessly across Chris's shoulder, snagging occasionally on the cotton of his tshirt. Zach sighs and speaks.

"You know you're really amazing, right?" 

Chris's eyes open lazily at the words and he mulls on them. He'd heard them clearly enough, and normally Zach would've said something else, some other phrase that would've told Chris how much he cared. But Chris can't think of what Zach might have meant instead of saying that "you're amazing". Zach says he's amazing, and yet Chris can't help but hear _"Maybe you aren't keeping up."_

"...I do my best..." Is all Chris says in response. Zach normally would've laughed and jokingly called him conceited, but this wasn't a joke, but he can hear the sadness on Chris's tongue. And somehow he knows that Chris didn't actually hear what he said. Chris doesn't think he's incredible - Chris thinks he's not doing well enough. 

"You really are." Zach tries again. 

"Everything's just moving so fast." 

"What do you mean?" Zach mutters against his hair. Chris lets out a breath.

"Just." He pauses and licks his lips and presses a little more into Zach's side. "I'm reading this book, right? And I don't know, one part. It threw me off when I read it." 

"What part?" 

"The main character notices a shadow move a few feet across the ground over the span of a few hours." 

Zach stays quiet for a moment, as if waiting for Chris to continue. When he doesn't, he questions further.

"Okay... what about that?" 

Chris raises his head, staring off at his living room floor. 

"He starts talking about the math of it... And about how... that shadow moving in those couple of hours meant that everyone had moved some like. a thousand miles around the earth as it turned. And then that meant that the earth had moved some seventy thousand miles through space. And nobody even noticed it. And it's just... well everything's changing, I don't know, after that I couldn't stop thinking about it. I read further and he said that because of that movement of the earth, we could never wake up in the same place we went to sleep. I think the quote was 'Yesterday's _here_ is not today's _here_. Yesterday's _here_ is somewhere in Russia, in a wilderness in Canada, a deep blue nowhere out in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. It's behind the sun, it's in deep space, hundreds of thousands, millions of miles left behind.' And Zach... I just. I want to be able to keep up." 

"Keep up?"

"Everything's moving so fast. And it's sometimes like I can't stay on top of it." 

"Of course you can." 

"No, that's the thing. I physically can't. The math says so. And that's... wearing me down. I just want to keep up and I can't." 

Zach doesn't say anything for a second, and Chris wonders what he's thinking. He clears his throat.

"Well if you can't keep up, then none of us can. It's kind of like not being behind at all then, if everyone else is behind too. Must not be too awful to be behind." 

Chris has a quick moment of clarity - Zach really means _"I'm just as behind as you are."_. 

"For five minutes I just wanted to stop the world..." 

Zach swallows thickly and Chris can hear his voice crack. 

"T-trust me, baby." He stutters. "You do something like that, and the whole world will stop - and not just for you." 

Chris feels horrible as he sees Zach's free hand quickly move up to his eyes to wipe away the tears before they can fall. He looks away quickly and he brings his hand to his mouth - he's not going to gnaw on his nails, he's just going to rub his cheek - but he hears Zach speak rapidly, almost automatically. 

"Don't bite." 

Chris knows he means _"I care about you."_

"Wasn't gunna." Chris mumbles. He means to say _"Thank you."_

He puts his hand back down in his lap and curls up, pressing into Zach a little more, and Zach's arm tightens around him for a moment. It loosens in the next moment and Chris can feel Zach's fingers threading into his hair lightly. The gesture is probably the sweetest Chris has ever felt and it's just enough to tell him Zach's there. He lifts his head a little and he feels the fingers in his hair pause. Zach's staring straight ahead and Chris just looks at him as he cranes forward a little to press a light kiss on his friend's cheek. His lips are still a little dry and Zach's got a bit of stubble, but he doesn't mind all that much. He lets his lips linger for a moment and he mutters against Zach's cheek. 

"You ever feel the earth move?" 

Zach whispers back to him.

"Only sometimes." 

_"Only right now."_

"You ever feel it stop?"

"Never..." Zach whispers. It's a lie. 

_"All the fucking time."_

Chris knows Zach understands. This isn't Zach's fault, and Chris wishes he hadn't called him here, but he can't deny the way he feels so fucking comforted that Zach just understands. Chris knows Zach knows. And he knows Zach knows he knows. You know? He knows the way the world moves and he knows he can't always keep up, and he fucking understands the way Chris's heart stops... and starts. Zach knows how scared he is. Zach understands. He just fucking gets it, and Chris couldn't feel more at home. 

Chris pulls back a little and they don't say anything. He can hear himself breathing and he tries to quiet his lungs. But it doesn't really work. He licks his lips - he can still taste a bit of ash on his tongue and mouth and it feels so dry. But Zach's fingers run through his hair again and Chris tries to listen outside for the sound of rain - it hasn't come yet, but he knows it's still humid as all living hell.

"Zach?" He whispers, laying his head back down on Zach's shoulder. Zach's head presses over his once again and he pushes out a response into the darkness. 

"Yeah baby?" 

Chris pauses. 

"I'm sorry I snapped at you earlier." Is all he can think to say. Honestly, he hadn't wanted to say that... He'd really just wanted to say that he didn't know where he'd be without Zach. Zach replies calmly.

"Just don't panic and don't bite your nails." 

"Zach?" 

"Yeah?"

"Thank you so much..."

Chris really means: _"I love you so much."_

"Anytime..." 

But Chris knows he means: _"You're my world - please don't stop now."_

::

_Time is always running out... Life's much too uncertain to leave important things unsaid._

::

**Author's Note:**

> This is an upload of a fic I wrote a few years ago. I kind of wrote this by accident. But really this idea has been a long time coming, I had thought about this little plot bunny for a while, and got it to paper, so to speak. 
> 
> The quotes and books mentioned in this are from Mark Danielewski's "House of Leaves" and Steven Hall's "The Raw Shark Texts", that's also where I got the title of the story. The song lyric mentioned is from Iron & Wine's "Cinder and Smoke". Like I said, this was honestly written purely by accident. I got listening to a song, reading a book, and feeling compelled to write this little plot bunny that had been floating around absently in my head for a while. 
> 
> Thanks for reading, y'all.
> 
> I also have a [tumblr](http://commodorecliche.tumblr.com)


End file.
